his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
