I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
