i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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