I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
