More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
