I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
