Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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