Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
