I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think my moral compass just broke
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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