He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
