Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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