Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
