The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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