If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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