Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
