i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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