he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
