i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
