I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
