I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Why did my mother make you get naked?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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