I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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