Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
