an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
