were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
