my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
