and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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