two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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