It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
