Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
