Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize