my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Let's get the cat blown out
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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