My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
