No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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