The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
