as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
