he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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