I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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