i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize