get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
