I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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