My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
