I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
