I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
