Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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