Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
