I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
