I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
