Can Purell be used as lube?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
