life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just high enough for therapy.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
