There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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