Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
