Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
