Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
