So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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