When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
