i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
