She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
