I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
